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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that professional help might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.