On this holiday morning, are you worried about selecting quite the right present for a loved one? I always try, but everywhere I turn I’m bombarded with impractical ideas. Absolutely not, I have no desire for a scented wax with a poultry aroma, for the simple reason we’ll be cooking turkey. Nor do I want a dawn-simulating clock, because I can leave the curtains open works just fine. I certainly do not want a salmon DNA pink collagen jelly mask, because said DNA originates in milt. Were I seeking fish sperm applied to my skin, I'd simply tickle some pollocks.
Seeking Ideas From the Natural World
So if you constantly search for gift ideas, my advice is: take a lesson from wildlife. Our species did not create gifting. The practice has been around for over 100 million years, well before humans appeared. With a little help by evolution, this has given wild animals plenty of time to master the art of giving. Indeed, some spiders go so far as to wrap their offerings!
Excluding fitness gear and other things I don’t like, we can identify five main types of holiday presents: food, homeware, bling, skincare and apparel. Nature's creatures has them all covered.
Culinary Presents: From Protein Snacks to Artisan Kebabs
Brazilian cuckoos give their partners high-protein snacks such as bugs, amphibians, and reptiles. But if you prefer your meat shished, then look to the butcher bird, also known as Lanius excubitor. Males impale their catch, such as bugs and rodents, onto pointed thorns and twigs crafting impromptu kebabs.
Certain insects gift their beaus spitballs, yet these are not just any spitballs. These represent the nuptial gifts of scorpionflies, crafted with only the finest saliva from the engorged labial glands of the most genetically superior males. The delicacy is nutrient-dense, a key reason why females prefer males with larger gifts.
An additional factor is that the most genetically robust males produce the largest gifts. When I say “fit” I am not referring to physical appearance, though that may be true. I refer to genetic fitness.
The gifts are given as a prelude to sex, thus, by selecting the male with the biggest package, the female is choosing superior genes. She then eats the delicacy during sex but terminates copulation as soon as it is finished. Larger gifts result in longer copulation times, during which the male transfers additional sperm and the female is unable to mate with other males. This explains why he bothers creating such an intricate present.
Homeware and Shiny Objects
These Antarctic penguins do not offer food, but they do present nesting materials. On the icy continent, where they live, one cannot find home improvement store, so the penguins must gather their offerings from the local landscape. Every mating season, males collect pebbles and start making a nest. These crucial components are rare, prompting some opportunists to pilfer stones from their neighbours. But when a male presents a stone to a female, it signals his readiness for commitment. Think of it as the avian version of an engagement ring. The stone is not worn, however. If she also wants to get serious, she takes the pebble and adds it to the nest. Then, following some finishing touches, they are prepared to raise a family.
Regarding bling, corvids are masters at this gift category. There are many accounts exist of people who have befriended wild corvids and then been given metal caps, fasteners, buttons and other shiny items. For instance, two people in Florida even received a bracelet with a diamond from a crow they fed regularly. This is especially charming because while most animals offer gifts hoping for mating opportunities, crows apparently just enjoy giving.
The Ultimate Multipurpose Present: Sea Sponges
Off the coast of Australia, researchers have observed dolphins collecting pieces of sea sponge from the seabed and using them in interesting ways. On occasion, while foraging for food, they place the sponges over their rostrum to shield their sensitive snouts. At other times, when males want to court females, they wear them as playful headwear before presenting them as presents.
By doing this, dolphins brilliantly combine the last two categories of Christmas gift. Marine sponges serve as attire and skin protection. And if that’s not enough, when males present their sponge gifts, they often strike a curved posture and play a little tune via their blowhole.
This stands in contrast to the half-arsed giving from pets – like a cat leaving a deceased rodent in a hidden spot – or certain individuals. Dolphin presents are considerate, multipurpose, ethically gathered and presented with flair. We can all learn from them. A popular song claims that all she wants for Christmas is a loved one, however, my single holiday wish, it is to receive a sponge-hat-skin-protector from a cetacean who serenades me in a stylish manner.
